A few months ago I was talking about my life with a friend and she said, “It’s because you are The One in your family. Every family has The One.”

To be The One means you can be relied on to do the responsible thing. You’re there to support the family when they need it. Even if they deny needing your help, deep down, the family knows they can turn to you when things get rough.

There are fewer supports and more needs in my family right now. My grandfather claims he’ll either die this year or last until 2025. He has no one left. I am his One.

Most of my siblings are adults and have created a support system which works for them. None of them are particularly interested in taking care of our younger brother who has Down Syndrome–with good reason. They don’t have the stability or resources. But the question everyone has been asking, now that mom is dead and dad has to be the emotional, practical, AND financial support of the family, is what is going to happen with J? What will his future look like? Will he live in a group home? Will he live with one of us? No one can answer that one in the affirmative. But everyone has assumed that a large part of that solution will involve me.

I love knowing that I can be of foundational help in my family. I felt deep satisfaction when the pastor approached me at mom’s memorial because I was the organizer. Being in my job, working with developmentally disabled adults, and knowing all that info will be used to make my brother’s life better someday is sometimes the one light.

But what happens when The One is only recognized when everything is in chaos? What happens when The One’s advice is routinely disregarded…until she is called in to fix the clusterfuck?

This is my dilemma. I don’t want to turn my back on my family’s needs. But I can’t be The One and be true to myself, either.